Punny Journalist

Dont put the horse in front of the bike

2009-03-29T21:51:00.002+01:00

True Story:
So V was taking his 15 month old for a walk around London, and caught a rare spectacle of about 40 horses going in a procession of sorts. V thought this toddler would be super excited to see that many horses, and kept saying "horse" in the hope that toddler would repeat after him and show the same level of excitement. To the utter disppointment of V, kiddo showed no enthusiasm for the horses. Then a biker whizzed past those horses and the kiddo yelled in joy "biiike".
I guess 40 horse power wasnt enough to please the little one, it took about 800 horse power :)

Stats Guru

2009-03-06T02:44:00.001Z

When will Tendulkar retire?

Take a look at his stats here. My prediction is he retires the day he has hit 50 100s and 100 50s in ODIs.

How bad is the economy?

2009-03-03T00:58:00.002Z

Will the string of bad news ever end? First, it was Bernie Madoff, then it was Satyam, and more recently Allen Stanford. What would be funny is if Madoff had actually invested in Satyam stocks, and Satyam had those fake FDs held in the Stanford banks. The economy must be in a really bad shape. It is so bad that even the crooks like Raju and Madoff are finding it difficult to survive. I meant this in a very serious sense, but people who heard this thought it was funny. The easy money machines are losing the grease looks like. Also, is it a coincidence that the oil prices decided to fall suddenly just before the transition of power across the pond? Its almost like all those people who do "dus ka thees" quietly disappear at the first sign of mamus. There is more to it that what meets the eye, says the conspiracy theorist in me.

Broken King

2009-02-19T11:40:00.002Z

Recently, Shah Rukh Khan who is the owner of the Kolkata Knight Riders said the credit cruch had left him with no money to buy expensive players during the auction, and finding it difficult to even pay the salaries to the existing ones. A few days later, it was announced he was going under the knife to have some shoulder surgery. Looks like this glamorous and expensive game is literally costing him an arm and a leg!

Eng vs WI Test Series

2009-02-13T23:45:00.003Z

Things just seem to be getting worse by the day for the English cricket team. After their humiliating innings defeat in the first test match, to the rude shock of both teams the second test had to be called off because the new Viv Richards stadium was essentially a paper thin coating of turf on top of sand. Yes, the outfield is all sand! The stadium is perfect for beach volleyball, but no fun if the cricket ball gets stuck in sand.

Andrew Strauss, the new England captain, must be having a miserable time right now. They were hoping for a chance to make up for the bad moves in the first test but who would have expected an entire stadium to be dysfuntional! So, the summary of the first & second test so far has been Naach na jaane & Aangan teda.

Perfect mismatch

2009-02-11T18:01:00.005Z

There is a UK retailer of mobile phones, mobile broadband etc called The Carphone Warehouse. Unless I told, you probably would have never guessed what they sell. Anyways, minor gripe. Moving on....
Giving away free laptops seem to be THE marketing tool these days. If I recall, AOL started the trend for their home broadband. That idea has crossed over to the mobile broadband market these days. What drew me into one of the Carphone Warehouse outlets a few weeks ago were the new 9 inch laptops on display with the Atom processor. These laptops were being given away from free to a few hundred quid depending on the length of the mobile broadband contract. This sounds like a match made in heaven - light & portable laptop good enough for all the basic things you do on the move such as email/surfing, combined with mobile internet capabilities. Finally, a notebook that looks like a note book!
As I continued the tour, there were some real monstrous laptops on similar combo offers - one of them was a Sony 18 something inches, must have weighed atleast 10 kilos. This is quite the opposite of a match made in heaven - this is more like Britney Spears having a 2AM drive-through wedding in Las Vegas. This Sony laptop may not actually fall within the carry on baggage size limitations. Its that big!
There is an old colloquial saying that somebody bought a buffalo because the seller promised a nose string (wire) free. This seems to be relevant even today - just the products have changed! Ironically though, the new wire is wireless.

Guest blog

2009-02-09T23:12:00.006Z

P was inspired to blog recently, but doesn't think she will blog regularly enough to warrant its own home. So, I have been kind enough to provide some space to encourage her creative efforts :)

Brown through and through

One of the advantages of living in metropolitan city is that you are not crippled by lack of personal transport. You can use the ‘public’ means of transport, but would have to ‘share’ the space with hoards of other people. 8 million people, if you live in London.

Generally, I don’t mind sharing the breathing-space with my fellow commuters, but with flu season around the corner, the situation has changed ‘germ’amatically. On one of the journeys, I happened to sit perpendicularly opposite a woman in her twenties giving finishing touches to her make-up on her way to work. With her stylish pin-striped suit, blow-dried hair, manicured hands, colour-coordinated stockings and stilitoes...she was a picture of beauty. And then it happened. As I was looking at her from the corner of the eye, she started sneezing and coughing uncontrollably spewing germs all over the carriage. And not once through her fit of coughing, did she try masking her mouth or excuse herself. She continued painting her eye-shadow to match her lipstick, as if nothing had happened. Don’t people have a sense of moral/ social responsibility towards the fellow passengers? Shouldn’t they progress from being metrosexual to being ‘metro'-sensible?

While I am not socio-phobic, I am definitely misophobic. Instead of crying hoarse over the split germs, I have developed my own defense against this offense. Every time, I see a person coughing, I immediately cover my nose to prevent the germs getting in to my respiratory system, not caring what the other people around me think. Is offense the only way to counter offense?

Mr.A thinks I am paranoid, but he who suffers, knoweth. He counts this amongst my other queer tube-habits. For ex. whenever, Mr.A and I travel by tube, I liking sitting opposite Mr.A and not next to him, which he finds very weird. Well, the explanation is bleeding obvious, if I sit opposite him, I can keep an eye on him and keep his wandering eye under check.

He also has nicknamed me coconut, as I am brown (almond beige complexion, to be precise) but white inside. Well, looks like I am brown through and through on this one!

Which came first?

2009-02-08T22:32:00.002Z

For those planning to watch Rab ne bana di jodi, I may be giving away a twist in the tale but there is only a 50:50 chance you will be awake till then anyway.
In the movie, the lead female character, Taani (Anushka Sharma) tells Raj (SRK), "Mujhe yeha se le chalo, Raj". Raj is devastated to hear that but he promises Taani that the next night would be the last night in that town and that he would take her to Delhi the next day. Now, my guess is that they would take the RajTaani express the next day :-)
If you thought these character names & the incident were concocted to fit this joke, decide for yourself by enduring the movie. At least, this is an easier mystery to solve than the age old chicken & egg problem.

The Closet Republican

2009-02-06T01:42:00.013Z

Has everyone been following the mad string of resignations by Obama's nominees over tax evasion disclosures? One of them, Nancy Killefer, resigned because she hadn't payed a few hundred dollars in taxes - I think she just decided she didn't want that position anymore. But Tom Daschle's case is no petty one - he owes 100s of 1000s of $$$. Joe, the plumber who made headlines during the election campaign, falls somewhere in between. Hence, the term "average Joe" I suppose.
I tried to find out if the taxes Tom Daschle evaded was in the last 8 years, but nowhere could I find when exactly he evaded that amount. Let's assume for this blog's sake that all the tax Tom evaded was prior to 2001. Dashle in 2001 must have been thinking "Phew! Atleast the next 4 years, I don't have to fudge my tax return". And, deja vu in 2005, of course.
Obama has already appointed 3 Republicans to his cabinet. If any of these guys have tax problems, atleast they have their publicly held ideology as an excuse. I hope the tax problems ends here. Otherwise, Obama would have no choice but to cross party lines to pick all his nominees. It all becomes too murky at that point, and all of a sudden Rumsfeld's famous incoherent rant about known knowns, known unknowns, unknown knowns and unknown unknowns start making sense. (Just replace known and unknown with Democrat and Republican)
If this Animal Farm ending is inevitable, let's not hasten it. Let's keep Obama and Michael Jackson as far apart as possible. We cannot let Obama truly change colours!

Immig Rant

2009-01-31T16:40:00.001Z

London is considered a melting pot of cultures and religions, and that's one of the things that makes it special. The level of diversity may not be same but the US is pretty diverse too with a lot of immigrant workers. You would think these countries would be proud of the contributions of these immigrants, but the way they refer to this workforce doesn't sound very thankful at all!
In the US, if you are an immigrant, you probably have one of the alphabets that lets you stay legally (F, H, J, L visas, etc) but at the end of the day, you are an Alien (Resident or Non-resident). The next time you enter the US, try filling out the port of departure as "planet far far away" and Flight number as "UFO-111" in that I-94 card. I hope those programmers writing the code for those expensive NASA probes aren't ex-INS officials. If they are, they will never be successful finding life on Mars. They may find a Mallu selling cup tea but that doesn't count.
For an immigrant in the UK, you either have a "Limited Leave to Remain" or an "Indefinite Leave to Remain" visa. It almost sounds like a court sentence "You have limited leave to remain" and you can hear an imaginary gavel hit along with it. The words "Limited" and "Indefinite" are the saving graces there. Otherwise, you wouldn't know whether to leave the country or remain in the country. I guess all those illegal immigrants have selective hearing when they heard their sentences - they just chose to remain, most likely indefinitely!
There must be other diverse countries and cities, but if these English speaking nations cannot find a comfortable term to refer to their immigrants, I dare not try and understand the visa systems of other countries.

A bi-partisan stimulus plan

2009-01-29T22:27:00.000Z

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. While all the experts argue their hearts out on the root causes of the global downturn and all the politicians are trying to figure out how to become expert darners, it occured to me (and two other weirdos) that the solution might have actually been easy and cheap. Everybody that I have been catching up this new year has either been ill in the run-up to Christmas or around that time or shortly after that. And, not just for a day or two but for 2-3 weeks at a stretch. So, this would have prevented the majority of us from going to the high streets and even when the retailers tried to entice us with deep discounts, we were busy loading up our bodies with paracetamol, lemsip, day & night nurse, etc. So, if the government had vaccinated the whole bloody country, and then had planes hovering over the borders spraying Dettol disinfectants before Christmas, none of this - retailers shutting down, global downturn, etc - would have ever happened. So, the required solution was actually a "medical stimulus plan" to this financial problem, and would have definitely cost much less than 850 billion dollars for the US tax payer. The best part, it would have been bi-partisan! The saying goes "When the US catches a cold, the whole world sneezes". Just, this time around its a nasty cold and the time has already passed for my medical stimulus plan. Alas, very sad indeed.

That was cold!

2008-11-25T16:50:00.000Z

A few weeks back while I was in Minneapolis, the taxi guy taking me from the airport to the hotel started a typical "taxi driver" conversation

Driver: "Where are you from?"

Me: "From Dallas. How about you?"

Driver: "If you are from Dallas, I am from Minneapolis. If you are from India, then I am from Somalia."

Ouch! The weather was not the only thing that was cold at that moment

Fed raises interest level

2008-09-13T00:45:00.000+01:00

Over the two weeks around Labor Day in the US, everyone was keenly following the Fed's moves. For several years, Fed was dictating terms and had managed to maintain a great interest level. In recent times, Fed had to deal with increasing pressure from superpowers in Britain, EU and the old Russia and very recently was unseated from its top position. As contradictory as it might sound, this deflation was the reason for the increased interest levels over the two weeks. It required Fed to play hard ball again to bounce back. Everyone seemed to ask, can the Fed live up to the challenge? Is the US really open to a new legacy? Can Fed recover from the slump? We got our answers on 8th September, didn't we? It may not have made the headlines of Wall Street Journal, but we saw the supreme Fed back to life. It may have been aided by a chanceless British rescue operation, but nevertheless, the King is back. Roger Federer is back to his best. I loved every moment of the final. The US Open is not yet ready for a new legacy.

Doctor Who?

2008-09-02T12:06:00.000+01:00

Last week, our friends had to take their toddler to the hospital and the doctor on duty happened to be a Dr. Band. I thought this was a funny name for a doctor. If this doctor were to give first-aid, its only fair to call it a band-aid :)

Acting on an Impulse

2008-08-19T19:43:00.000+01:00

A passing glance at an ordinary advert within a London Underground tube station, and for reasons unknown, a decision was taken instantaneously "I want to run". So, I am running for the Royal Parks Half Marathon on Oct 12th at 10AM. I have been training for this event for the last 2 weeks or so and have managed to cover 5 miles twice in the last 7 days.
54 days to go, 8 more miles to train for, should be lot of fun.

The true Twenty20

2008-08-12T12:43:00.000+01:00

In the movie Dumb & Dumber, Jim Carrey asks the character Mary "What are the chances that a beautiful girl like you would go out with a guy like me?" to which Mary replies slowly and uncertainly "1 in a million?". Jim is ecstatic to hear that its a non-zer0 chance and says "Yesss! So, you are saying there is a chance!!". Now, thats called hope.
At a time when Twenty20 is the in-thing and Indian test cricket team badly needs a cataract operation, nothing could have been more contrasting to the Colombo Test than the gold medal won by Abhinav Bindra in the Beijing Olympics. If Jim Carrey was ecstatic, Bindra must have been ecstatic times 1000. He is truly 1 in a billion. The nature of the sport he won his medal means that he has perfect vision. Isin't he the true 20/20 champion? Congrats, Bindra - India is proud of you.

Thanks, Norton

2008-08-10T20:36:00.000+01:00

Silka restaurant in London was in our short-list of restaurants to dine last week because they supposedly server low-fat India food. So, the usual procedure of the google search, and then the website to get location details happened when Norton Internet Security captured and deleted a Downloaded Virus and from our short-list too. A virus in their website, wonder what would be in their food? Now, that would be useful information to collect anonymously and publish

Another Barack in the Wall

2008-07-25T01:01:00.000+01:00

An extract from Obama's speech at Berlin - a metaphor taken too far

Speaking less than a mile from where President John F Kennedy enraptured Berliners in 1963, he warned of the danger of allowing "new walls to divide us from one another".

"The walls between old allies on either side of the Atlantic cannot stand," he said, emphasising his lines with clipped, precise movements of his hands as his words echoed through the huge crowds.

"The walls between the countries with the most and those with the least cannot stand," he continued, as applause began to ripple amongst his listeners.

"The walls between races and tribes; natives and immigrants; Christian and Muslim and Jew cannot stand," he said.

"These now are the walls we must tear down," he concluded to screams of approval.

Silly question: Was the Berlin wall Made in China?

The Gates Bill

2008-07-23T12:23:00.000+01:00

We were on one of the London's infamous bendy buses this weekend. The windows in these buses are almost big as the doors. Anyways, one of the doors wouldnt operate in the middle of the journey. The driver stepped out of the bus, tried a few things and then came back completely turned off the engine and started again - and guess what it started working! So, I have decided to amend The Gates Bill which states that "stuck Windows can be fixed by a restart" to now include doors.
The Gates Bill is more universal than what you think

Inspired by Inspiron

2008-07-22T12:55:00.000+01:00

A few months back, Bundar's inlaws and outlaws visited them for a few weeks. His Dell laptop was running literally 24x7 to watch Sun TV, cricket, etc online. A few days after both parents left, the heavy weight use took its toll & his laptop conked. Dell diagnosed it to be motherboard problem. I told Bundar "You had no choice, Bundar. Otherwise, your mothers would have been bored"

Courtneys

2008-07-22T00:29:00.000+01:00

I recently called up Courtneys to enquire about gym membership rates. The guy on the other end of the phone asked me in return "How much are you looking to spend?". I was really annoyed to hear that question - no average Joe I know of is looking to spend his money. Average Joe also would rather play online bingo than play the can-you-guess-Courtneys-gym-membership-rates-over-the-phone game. Its not like I called up with a budget of £1 per month (or £1000 for that matter) in mind to haggle nor did I call up a real estate agent not did I call up my bank for investment advice. I wanted to say "Great question, wrong place" but being the nice guy I am and modesty being my middle name, I went with a simple "Why do you ask?" but I had to endure a few more rounds of stupidity & temporarily change my middle name to rude to finally get a quote over the phone.

In the end, it was really a flat rate for all practical purposes and there was really no tact whatsoever to his line of questioning. I hope its just the guy being stupid, not Courtneys in general.

p.s: 100th blog :)

Powerpoint Gap

2008-04-08T18:38:00.000+01:00

There is an unofficial term called the "powerpoint gap" in software sales.

Typically, the sales guy will go make a fancy presentation and impress a prospective customer. The customer will spend large amounts of money to buy the software that can solve all his problems based on the powerpoint or a proof of concept. He starts complaining when he realizes that the software cannot tie his shoelace automatically nor can it make his cup of tea or solve his sleep depravation issues. The technical guys/consultants tell the customer the real deal and the software is then developed to suit the customer's needs although he would have still tie his own shoe-lace, etc. The software version that was used for the proof of concept was an alpha or a beta release at best.

Replace, the sales guy with BAA; the customer with BA - and you have the familiar powerpoint gap issue at T5. And, T5 sounds like a beta release too!

I guess BA is not ready to go GA, yet.

A Lost Kesh

2008-03-26T13:46:00.000Z

This long Easter weekend P & I were in the beautiful Cotswolds region. As we were preparing to leave the hotel on day 2 of our trip, P was frantically looking for something all over the room. Then she asked me "Have you seen my comb?" to which I replied "Maybe it got lost in the Comb Mela".
That was my contribution to aid the search :)

Gone with the wind

2008-03-11T12:04:00.000Z

If you live in London, you couldn't have possible escaped seeing those Big Black Bins labeled as "Big Black Bins" (duh! Thanks, Ken), specifically mean to collect recyclable waste. UK as a country is quite crazy about being green. I think it was taken to the extreme recently with the councils wanting to charge households by the amount of waste they generate and also penalize them if they dumped anything recyclable in the general rubbish. Prince Charles recently gave a recorded speech as a hologram in Abu Dhabi to reduce carbon footprint. The UK government has made a commitment to generate 10% of its energy demand from renewable sources such as wind energy by the end of 2010.
So, green is good is the general perception. Wind energy is good. Windfarms help generate electricity, and it's a reality. There are companies now that provide electricity via windfarms.
But, this has to be optimized with the age-old wise adage "Too much is too bad". Last week, 10000 homes in UK were left without electricty. Why? Rain and high winds!!! So, how high can the wind be without killing the electricity that it can provide? It probably makes a good PhD topic for multi-objective optimization.
I guess we humans are not very different from wind. Neither are stable when they are high.

To Be or BT?

2008-02-25T15:29:00.000Z

Forget sky-diving, fire-fighting or rock-climbing. If you want a death-defying experience and test your will power, all that you have to do is call B.T. (your defacto telephone line provider in the UK) customer service. In every call, you gradually lose the will to live and if you hang up alive, then your will power has prevailed! You have effectively defied Lord Yama.

I have been asked "Have you switched on your computer today?" when I have called them about broadband issues. Am I supposed to say "I feel ashamed. I actually felt kinda lonely. You want to be my pal?"

The latest incident is blogworthy and happened last week. I called B.T. Moves & Switches department and told them I would like to move my telephone line to my new address but would like to disconnect my broadband service during the move. The rep tried to persuade me by offering 6 months free broadband and 6 months at the existing price plan (£19.99 per month) if I sign a 12 month contract per this offer. (You dont have to be good in math to figure out that this would effectively make it £9.99 per month). I wasn't enticed by the offer and told him I am firm in my decision to disconnect BT Broadband. Obviously, the system is not flexible enough for 1 person to carry out multiple functions. He can only do moves and transfers as-is with all services remaining the same. So, he transfers me to broadband customer service. I tell him about his colleague's offer since he asks. Now, this brilliant man tells me "What if I offered it to you for £14.99 for 1 year?". I asked him if its on top of his colleagues offer. He says "No. its instead of his offer".
Eureka moment!! Was it a trick question. I felt a little like Dr. Evil "Why pay £9.99 when I can pay £14.99. Hooohuuuhaa. Hoohoohaaa. Hoohuaaa".
So, my refusal to take up this revised offer led him to set up the disconnection. I wonder if I had taken up his offer, I would have been passed on to "We like you because you are dumb" department with a revised offer of £24.99 per month

My 2 pennies of advice to my ardent readers - get your cup of coffee, read up self-improvement books before you dial that 0800 800 150 number.

Big Brother Live - New Season

2008-02-25T14:07:00.000Z

You may have grown up to the concept of a curtain-raiser to usher a new event, a new concert, a new movie, etc but in the age when the Archishop advocates Sharia law, if you haven't realized you live in a topsy-turvy world. So, as a fast learner, in order to kick-off the latest reality series, I have brought the curtains down. If you know where to mount your cameras, all that you need to do is hire the guy from Big Brother to provide a live commentary "P has now returned from work. A is on a conference call. P is very hungry and survived on a cous-cous salad all day. A decides to help P out in the kitchen and still attend the conference call...." and you have your own Big Brother, thanks to yours truly. Your time runs out on Wednesday evening, however when I collect the curtains back from the dry cleaners.

p.s: Not my best piece of work after a 4 month hiatus, but I finally got the better of inertia

Fw: Being Scott Adams

2007-10-14T15:16:00.000+01:00

A completely random thought and a sudden urge to draw a cartoon prompted today's blog. I have not taken permission from Scott Adams for using his characters but I am not making any money out of this, he should be fine...I think..
Click below for a larger image

Hot or Sweet?

2007-10-07T09:06:00.000+01:00

Last night, I suggested to P that we go to Rendezvous at Leicester Square to eat frozen yogurt. I knew she wouldn't be up for it as she hates crowded places. So, came the expected response "You like to hang out in all these crowded places, know?". I said "What do you like? To go hang out in the middle of a desert?" and P said "Yeah". I promptly quipped "I think we have a difference of opinion here. I say dessert and you say desert"

Q or C

2007-08-21T17:26:00.000+01:00

I only recently noticed the British spelling of "Barbecue". It's well known that in the USA, Barbeque is shortened to BBQ. I wonder if its shortened to BBC here?

Irony of a soldier

2007-07-31T13:46:00.000+01:00

Some headlines simply annoy me for the wrong choice of words. There was one recently when the UK cops published their crime statistics and proudly announced Crime Stable - an annoying pairing of 2 words. How did they manage to stabilize crime? Hired more constables?
I see yet another familiar headline today "Dead UK Afghanistan marine is named by MoD" with nonsensical choice of words. Wasn't he named when he was born? Isin't ironical that he was named at birth by MoD (Mum or Dad)?

Presidents and Precedents

2007-07-25T02:04:00.000+01:00

I think its fair to say that political correctness is a sign of good politics. Long long ago, Brits used to name their ships "HMS something" as HM could conveniently mean either Her Majesty or His Majesty. It may have been that they didn't want to waste point and ink, rather than being politically correct but the paint is they had thought of eventualities.
If I had to correct a system, I would first start with my house. So, how come the 57 year old Indian Republic has been so myopic? We had a President (Radhakrishnan) for whom we celebrate Teacher's day. We had a Gyani President (Zail Singh) for whom we crack sardarji jokes. Until recently, we had a genius scientist who had a great hairdo. It surprises me that all these greats never thought of one fundamental question "What if a woman occupies this house as President? Should this house then be renamed as Rashtrapatni Bhavan?"... something for Pratibha Patil to figure out.

QQ at his best

2007-07-21T23:51:00.000+01:00

This incident happened at QuirkQuotient's house a while back, and I think its one of his all time best remarks.

Mrs. QQ had warmed up a few packets of frozen mini somasas for the 6 of us, and within a few minutes all samosas were duly consumed by us. The conversation following that

Mrs.QQ "Man. I must have eaten ten samosas"
QQ "So, are you saying thats odd?"
Mrs. QQ "You tell me. Is 10 an odd number?"
QQ "Well, it depends. If you made 60 samosas, then its even. If you made only 20 samosas and you ate 10, then its odd"

iPJ

2007-07-13T01:34:00.000+01:00

Q. What do you call a guy sending SMS vai his iPhone?

A. A stereo-type

deTour on Tour de

2007-07-08T11:47:00.000+01:00

Take a look at the official logo of Tour de France. The first thought that came to my mind is that somebody must have been in Burger King when they came up with this idea. The logo looks like an assembly of french fries and onion rings. Wonder who came up with this logo? It couldn't be a Brit - very evident from the quality of the official 2012 Olympics logo. Perhaps this is a practical joke by an American? If the same guy were to design the Olympics logo, it would have taken only 5 onion rings to creativity.
In any case, the logo is pretty creative. I don't intend to be anal but I do have some objections. The O in Tour is one of the wheels. The R is either the cyclist or an old man pushing a wheel chair. We will go with the former. But, look at the U. Is that the seat? Isin't a bit too pointy for the rider? On second thoughts, if Mr.R is French, chances are he will enjoy the U seat. Whatever makes U happy or R ....

Wet Humour

2007-07-05T15:04:00.000+01:00

All those following Wimbledon know that there have been so many interrupted games due to constant downpours, unusual for this time of the year. Nadal's match was played over 5 days. Anyways, just heard this funny thing on TV
Whoever wins this year's Wimbledon will be known as the raining champion!!!!!

UK Politics Round-up

2007-06-27T16:13:00.000+01:00

Britain eradicates 10 years of TB!
Arnie meets Tony Blair minutes before he stepped down as Prime Minister to discuss climate change issues! Was he called in to play Terminator? Honestly, climate change in UK is more of a norm than an issue. Its rainy one minute, bright & sunny the next.
Prince Charles just declared as the "green prince". Shrek 3 was just released. Co-incidence?

The Paris Hilton Experience

2007-06-26T16:27:00.000+01:00

The media is obsessed with Paris Hilton. Everybody wants a piece of her. Why should I not join the party?

If I was papa Hilton, I would be so proud of my little girl. I would build a "Paris Hilton suite" in every Hilton hotel that I own. There will be a mini virtual reality-cross-roller coaster ride to get to the suite. Its should not be an easy ride to get into the Paris Hilton after all! It would send the wrong message. You will first be given a blonde wig which should make you feel half your IQ straightaway. Then you will be given special glasses and where you will see yourself walking towards an expensive car of your choice. Whoosh! The elevator is smoky all of a sudden and you feel dizzy. The urge to drive that car increases manifold and you feel like you own all the Hilton hotels in the world. Whooohoooo. Do you feel the wind? What is that racing towards you? A giant tree from Lord of the Rings-Twin Towers? Bam! A cop pulls you over. You get off the elevator and there is the court room waiting for you. You are hand-cuffed with 21 carat gold cuffs. You are condemned to 1 day in the Paris Hilton suite. Please pick up your special robe made of the finest Egyptian cotton. And lo behold! The suite is exactly like the cell in which my dear girl spent the most wonderful days of her life. Isint it worth your every penny? The matron is gonna take special care of you!

A comedian once said "Paris Hilton has proved that you dont have to be poor to be white trash". Well said!

Durham, we have a brablem

2007-06-19T15:40:00.000+01:00

This must be one of the funniest stories I have read in ages! A flushed bra and a pair of knickers have been blamed for a sewer and road collapse in Durham.
I can come up with atleast half a dozen gross theories as to why someone might have gone to the commode and come out commando, but ...

is this what you call BRA-in drain???

C(l)ock and Bush Story

2007-06-14T18:22:00.000+01:00

Last night on telly, Sky News reported that Bush's watch was stolen when he was shaking hands with Albanians. I thought such a great opportunity for proponents of the Kyoto agreement, supporters of legalizing same-sex marriages, "pro-death" champions, etc for everything that could have never happened under Bush's watch!!
Turns out lot of hopes were raised unnecessarily.

Pardon my French

2007-06-10T17:31:00.000+01:00

Watching Nadal's ruthless destruction of Federer in the just concluded French Open final, I couldn't resist the following

How did Nadal manage to win the French Open again? He simply "Rogered" that
Clay + Nadal = Roger's ass is grass
Federer suffers from post-nadal depression

One other observation, I can't understand why the men's doubles is best of three sets? When you put two men on one side of the court, do they count as 1 woman? I suppose the T is silent in a two-men's final.

Is it Real?

2007-06-04T12:00:00.000+01:00

Is it Real that Beckham is in line for knighthood? If he does get the hood, I suppose it would be more appropriate to address him as Señor David!

The Sunflower State

2007-05-23T11:02:00.000+01:00

All ye Dorothys and Wizards of Oz, if you have any pride in calling Kansas as The Sunflower State, start fortifying your borders now. Kansas, if viewed as a giant sunflower field, can be dramatically classified as a threat to the freedom and democracy of California.
The Governor of California is proudly parading his Hummer that runs on 100% vegetable oil! Did you notice that bumper sticker and how happy Arnie looks? He looks like an extremely proud ringmaster pointing at a ferocious lion on a vegan diet! What an insult to the Hummer! Hummers should not be on the road in the first place. A Hummer running on oil meant to fry freedom fries? The amount of vegetable oil required to fuel Arnie's car for 1 day is probably the annual supply of vegetable oil for our kitchen.
Singer Sheryl Crow recently toured the US on a biofuel powered bus to promote climate-change awareness. She wants to create a world of loolessness and calls for a limit of 1 square of toilet paper per sitting. Clearly, she has never eaten dhal makhani!
So, where do these Hollywood educated eco-friendly champions think we are going to find the land to grow the amount of biofuels to keep all the engines in the West oiled? Will the Middle East start growing sunflowers in their deserts?
If only these people understand the land realities. Someone in the UN seems to, but who listens to the UN anyway. You need somebody with a more serious name than Ban Ki Moon at the top for that day to come.
If this whole idea of "feeding your car with cooking oil" catches on India, I can see the likes of Suffola and Parachute giving a run for Shell's money... atleast in Kerala. An average aunty can make fresh samosas in the car and the kids would have such a memorable picnic! Aditya Chopra wouldn't have had to shoot DDLJ in the UK just for a pretty poster. Maddy wouldnt have had to run his TVS-50 on kerosine-adulterated-petrol from the Taramani (village behind IIT-M campus) guy!

Techie Talk

2007-05-16T18:38:00.000+01:00

I was on a support call a few minutes ago to assist a customer with installation of our software. We typically ask customers to provide us with a server with Dual Processor, 1GB RAM and 20GB free disk space.
Customer "This one is a very well spec-ed server. Its got 16CPUs, 64bit Processor and 800GB of free space"
Me "Thats when you know you are dealing with an oil company!!"

Wind Mill

2007-05-08T12:38:00.000+01:00

Just back from a short pleasure trip to Netherlands. One among the many unique things we saw was the number of windmills. I felt quite at home amongst those windmills since I am one of them in a vague sense. This blog is testimony to the fact that I can churn out a lot of 'hot air', i.e., I am a "wind" mill. Anyways, in particular, we went to this village, Zaanse Schans, which is quite famous for its windmills. We went into one of them, which is still in use to produce oil. The "miller" was an unpleasant fella. He had such an air around him that had he stuck a tiny fan around him, he could have produced some useful energy as well. There were couple of other very tiny windmills around his house, one of them probably connected to his commode or re-charge one of his AA batteries for his digital camera. Don't abuse an idea, people! Please!

The last thing I am going to say before I shut up for today is the general behavior of Japanese tourists. We are at a "clog" factory when the guy annouced that the next demostration was to start in a few seconds. Instantly, you see a mini marathon of window shopping Japanese tourists run to the demo area. Same story at the airport. I tell you, the opposite of stand-at-ease is Japanese!

'Litre'l Thinking

2007-04-02T00:45:00.000+01:00

Thanks to the liquid bomb scare at Heathrow airport a few months back, my cabin baggage which has clocked up many frequent flier miles can no longer dream of seeing an overhead compartment ever again. So, I was shopping today for a rollercase that met the 36x24x36..sorry 56x45x25 (cm)..requirement. I was appalled to know that I had to either carry a portable microscope to read the dimensions printed on the luggage tag or carry a tape measure, and I had neither. However, the volume of the rollercase was printed on the tag with such large font that I could have read it from the cruising altitude of a 747, typically 32000 feet I think. My grandma with cataract could have also very clearly read 56 Litres, 43 Litres, etc printed on these roller-cases, again from the same cruising altitude. When I go shirt shopping, I am ever so careful to buy only the ones less than 100ml. Gee! I cant believe they forgot to provide a nozzle. How am I going to pour my clothes into the rollercase?
Don't these manufacturers know that liquids are not allowed on board any more? If they did, the outer shell would be in clear plastic to zip past airport security.

All Abode

2007-04-02T00:28:00.000+01:00

P and I were waiting for a bus this past cold & windy Friday night. P was reading the following ad at the bus stop

Perhaps the idea of sitting in an air-conditioned car triggered P's thought process and she said "There should be no open bus stops. They all should be fully closed, and maybe even with heating. London is cold most of the year anyway. Maybe they haven't done it that way because it's too costly to make it fully closed given that there is a bus stop every 50 meters. Or maybe because homeless people will start living in them"
to which I commented, "Then, this ad will read My other home is a bus stop"

Empty flights create more news

2007-03-23T10:11:00.000Z

BMed Business Proposal: There has been a late uprising in Tashkent protesting the food poisoning of Lal Bahadur Shastri. Hence, its not safe to fly to Tashkent any more and we need to play a game called "Blocking the gate" at Heathrow. We will lose millions of £s but it will be balanced out against the millions of £s that our competition will not earn. The plan is called Plan-C. We re-call the pilot who was suspended for excess alcohol in his blood stream, give him an empty flight and we fly to Cardiff instead of Tashkent. Technically, its an international flight! In summary,
Cost of A320: £20 million
Cost of Plan-C: £2 million
Blocking the gate: Priceless

I have exaggerated, ofcourse. For the real details, click here.

Spaced Out

2007-03-14T14:50:00.000Z

I have had atleast 2 protests for the lack of activity on this blog. I am very touched! No, I was not eaten by anybody on the Tube. I am just a spaced out blogger for the past 2 weeks!
Talking of space, P wanted to go the Science Museum last weekend and during the usual "Bye. Have a good weekend" talk with her colleague, she mentioned that and said "They have a simulation of Virgin Galactic there. Virgin Galactic will make space travel a reality. Initially, it will be just for the wealthy as each flight will cost in excess of £200k (or $200k)" to which her colleague instantly quipped "Oh well! I will just wait for easyJet to launch their service"!! Instant and witty!
Good luck to all those people who are waiting for Air Deccan to launch such a service! If you just take into the account the typical delay between Chennai and Bangalore, and extrapolate that for space travel based on distance, you might as well buy the ticket and write it in your will to be passed on to your grand kids

Cannibal Lecture

2007-03-03T10:06:00.000Z

The latest ad from Transport for London reads in big font PLEASE CONSIDER OTHERS WHEN EATING. At first glance, this seems to me like an encouragement for Cannibalism. The last thing I want is some stranger in the tube contemplating between his burger and me. Somebody's skeletons in the closet seems to me will be somebody else's skeleton in the tube. At second glance, it seems like a subtle ad for Hannibal Rising or a clever ploy for population control. Beware of the London Tube - its a man-eat-man world out here! You may never have time for a third glance.

Martin Scores Easy

2007-02-27T11:17:00.000Z

There was always an Oscar in Martin Scorsese. However, for 6 times now, he had left the red carpet like a mutated Star Wars character bar bar jinx. Isin't ironic that he has finally arrived with The Departed?

Phony Weddings

2007-02-22T11:07:00.000Z

I read an article "Whacky Weddings" yesterday in easyJet's inflight magazine. It talked about an increasing trend to say I do in unusual places. People have tied the knot in a tractor, bungy jumping, skydiving, scuba diving amongst other things. That made me assign a new low to South Indian weddings on the boring index.
There was one couple who met via SMS and decided to get married in a real phone booth. The article did knot elaborate on their wedding but they probably exchanged ring tones to formalize the wedding. The priest finally would have said "If any of you assembled here think that these two should not be united in holy matrimony, ring the phone booth now or forever hold your mute button. You may now send the **kiss** emoticon to the bride". I hope this couple stop publicizing the phone connection with the wedding. Else, their kids will be EricsSON, SONy or some such variant. They will be told Biblical stories such as Samsung and Delilah. They will be buried in a phone shaped casket and finally turn into bhooths. Maniacs!
No thank you! South Indian weddings are better.

Ate Zero

2007-02-09T02:45:00.000Z

When I read news without substance, I empathize with people who read my blog ... just for a fleeting moment, though. This particular article, is a classic exmaple. The title is Cuba's Castro able to eat again, which leads to a more profound question When can Castro's Cuba eat again? There is an old joke among the Peurto Ricans "Why doesn't Cuba have a swimming team? Because, if a Cuban can swim, he will be Florida" which is simply a lighter version of my profound remark.
Back to the article, it lacks substance because it states the obvious - "The problem is that at first he was not eating food, but now he is eating food and that has helped him significantly". It's like Alan Greenspan saying "Oh finally I know why I was not able to get cash out of ATMs. I was using my credit card". Really, Castro? That was your problem? You forgot that eating is good for you? I offer alternate explanations to his self imposed satyagraha
a) His mouth piece (read Chavez) is in Venezuela
b) He is 80 (Ate Zero). Senile people take their age literally...so, I have heard
c) He untucked his tummy and realized he was hungry, but too ashamed to admit it

Enough said...I need to get over my obsession with the three C's (Cuba, Chavez and Communism)

Offshore development

2007-02-05T18:07:00.000Z

A PJ that I couldn't resist

Sharma "Apparently, some software company in the US was not able to get visas for their developers. So, they exploited a loophole and hired a ship, parked it off the coast, loaded the ship with developers and got the work done"

GoGo "Oatha. they must all be C programmers"

Eats (Samosas) Shoots and Leaves

2007-02-04T18:57:00.000Z

Any of you read the book, "Eats Shoots and Leaves", about the importance of punctuation?

A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.
"Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.
"I'm a panda," he says at the door. "Look it up."
The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation.
"Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."
So punctuation really does matter, even if it is only occasionally a matter of life and death.

Something funnier than this happened over the last weekend. My friend received a call from his wife and was asked to do grocery shopping on the way back home. Being a technophile, he asked her to SMS the shopping list to his blackberry. The SMS read something like ... rava idli mix coriander 3 bunches samosas....

He asked us "What does she mean by 3 bunches of samosas? Do samosas grow on trees?" to which another friend replied "Call her and tell her samosas are not in season"!!!

A mobile what?

2007-02-01T17:16:00.000Z

I was talking to a customer this morning who happens to be a gadget freak. Apparently, his dad bought a car which has a slot for a sim card and you can buy a phone plan along with the car. No bluetooth, car kit, etc. Now, thats a new meaning for a mobile phone!

Life is good again

2007-01-29T14:20:00.000Z

The Ctrl key had dropped off from my HP laptop a couple of months ago. It uncovered a plumbing weaker than the Victorian pipes being replaced by Thames water. But, I decided to carry on and not let one little irritating nipple (on the key board, of course) distract my work. In due course, I realized that the left Ctrl key is as essential as the thumb finger. Finally, I decided to call HP customer service and I got the replacement part. Life is normal again. I guess I am just a control freak!

Humour...

2007-01-27T23:07:00.000Z

I recently met a guy who had been working in the same office building for 23 years. Then, he was telling me about his colleague, "K.... has been working here a little longer than me, 28 years actually which is more than what you get for murder"

A little birdie told me...

2007-01-25T17:50:00.000Z

I have heard chirping sounds in the middle of the night quite a few times over the last few days. I am not a bird expert but I don't think owls sound that pleasant although it doesn't sound all that pleasant when you are trying to sleep. These birds must be migratory birds with jet lag!

Bush's speech

2007-01-23T16:48:00.000Z

I agree that the terms 'Bush's speech' , 'England cricket-team','Serious GoGo' are all oxymorons but Bush will deliver the State of the Union speech anyway.
I believe Bush is going to say "Our union is no different that other unions such as T&G that strike regularly. We will continue to strike targets in Afghanistan and Iraq..."

X It

2007-01-21T22:40:00.000Z

My theory for Fidel Castro not making a public appearance in months is that he is glued to his X-box. I am told he is terminally ill

© Guru

2007-01-15T22:36:00.000Z

Posed here without permission from the © owner, Guru

Q. No one knows at what time they release water at the Tungabadra Dam...Why??

A. 'cos its TBD :)

Patel Bhai's PC

2007-01-15T16:46:00.000Z

I wouldn't blame you if you thought I meant Patel Bhai's Personal Computer. Our local desi grocery store has this humongous number crunching machine at the check-out desk which spits out a bill that typically looks like

Indian Grocery £1.79
Indian Grocery £1.59
Indian Grocery £1.09
TOTAL £4.47

Next time, you are in London, be sure to visit The Calculator Museum of London on Drummond Street and watch Patel Bhai's Personal Calculator in action!

Bush's Iraq 'Dev' plan

2007-01-14T22:59:00.000Z

Bush pulled a Kapil Dev by saying boost is the secret of my energy

It's an H.C. Order

2007-01-11T00:45:00.000Z

Venezuela was, is and will be in a Hugo Chavez order for some time to come. He was sworn in for a third time today. The chief justice asked Hugo "Do you swear by the holy Bible that you will truthfully ....?". Hugo replied "You are damn right, you b*$%^. I have been swearing since 1999. Ching@ su .... Ching@....Ching@....Ching@ %%*#". Ok, I just made that up. I swear, English language is so confusing. Pope Benedict ver. XVI was installed a couple of years ago, so was my spyware ver2.0 software. Have I made my displeasure clear for seeing 'install' and 'swear' in unexpected contexts?

I was reading up on this guy, Hugo.

His first stab at politics was a failed coup attempt in 1992, which makes him good at sudoku (pseudo coup, really).
Hugo is a corrupt dude. Remember the Harry Belafonte song "Matilda. Matilda. She take me money and run Venezuela". I can probably write a song "Hugo C. Hugo C. Takes the money and runs Venezuela" sung to the same tune as Matilda.
But he has balls of steel - not because he had 2 wifes, 1 rakhel and 4 daughters. He dares to call President Bush 'the devil' which probably makes Alberto Gonzales 'the devil's advocate'.
He calls Fidel Castro his guru. It will probably spare him from the Taleban as they don't wage jihads against Fidels but not from the rest of the world.

We all know Socialism's ultimate destination is Communism, Hugo. And, he is making it perfectly clear Venezuela is comming.

NYC Stinking

2007-01-08T18:50:00.000Z

Apparently, many parts of NYC and New Jersey is having a strange 'gas-like' smell in the air. Has anyone looked for clues on the top of Empire State Building. Maybe King Kong is just having a bad digestive day. Or, did Michael Strahan forget to use Right Gaurd again? Oh Mikey, Mikey

Jasus in the name of Jesus

2007-01-08T11:15:00.000Z

The Archbishop of Warsaw, Stainslaw Wieglus, finally admitted that he has been suffering from sickle :) cell syndrome for the last 20 years. I am only saddened that there are no child-abuse accusations on this guy. Otherwise, "Warsaw Powers: The spy who shagged me", would have been a perfect movie title.

p.s: Jasus to be pronounced Jasoos
p.p.s: Did anyone get the sickle funda?

General Nonsense

2007-01-04T16:35:00.000Z

Q. Whats the reason for the delay in processing my visa?
A. Because the Home Office is jealous I have one too!

Q. Why would Congress(I) never win an election in the US?
A. Because their party symbol says "Talk to the Hand" !

Q. Whats the name of President Bush's pet parrot?
A. Nouri Maliki

M&M

2007-01-02T19:14:00.000Z

Could Kate Moss ever get hooked to Mic Jagger? Probably not. The saying goes - A rolling stone gathers no moss (kindly adjust spelling here). But if she did, that would be the end of her anorexia as Moss grows fat on a Rolling Stone.
If this was Scott Adams' blog, he would classify this blog as 'General Nonsense' :)

Happy New Year

2007-01-01T15:57:00.000Z

How do you raise a toast to James Bond?
2 007

This is a joke!!

2006-12-30T21:33:00.000Z

Lillywhites has a sale!!

50 cent or 50 billion?

2006-12-29T18:18:00.000Z

I cant believe this is my 50th blog! So, in honor of fidy and the filthy...
If Fidy became President of USA, he would be the Commanda-in-Chief
If Paris Hilton became President though, she would be the Commando-in-Chief

Yeh Ka Hai?

2006-12-28T21:23:00.000Z

What's an auto-rickshaw with 4 wheels?
Did you guess Maruti 800? Sorry, think again
Did you say Smart Car? No, That's a real car

Let me rephrase,
What looks like a car, sounds like a car but its too small to be called a car and still costs you upto £10000?
Its Ford KA!!

KA .. stopping short of a Kar

007 B.C.

2006-12-27T12:06:00.000Z

Christian conspiracy theories have always fascinated me and there was an interesting TV show on Christmas day - "The Secret Family of Jesus - The conspiracy theory that Dan Brown and others missed". A part of the thoery is that Jesus had an elder brother - James, the Just. I couldn't help myself imagining him introducing himself as "Hi. I'm James. Just James" - lol!
Gogo, the Blogger

If Santa was Banta

2006-12-25T12:10:00.000Z

On this Christmas day, I was wondering if the truth has been misrepresented for centuries thanks to a typo. What if Santa was actually Banta? I find Santa Claus strikingly similar to Guru Nanak, and I think my Banta theory holds more water than St. Nicholas. If the Banta theory had lived from day 1, then we would be hearing Jingle balle balle!*

* Santa CLAUSE: The comments mean no disrespect to any religion. Peace and Latte to A(ll)men

Meddle East

2006-12-21T09:06:00.000Z

First, they coined the term 'Axis of Evil' - Iraq, Iran and North Korea. Obviously, whoever coined this term had no idea of georgraphy or geometry because these 3 countries don't form a straight line. They tackled Iraq and now there are more eruptions on a daily basis than all active volcanoes combined. If you are an "average" Iraqi, (a "mean" Iraqi. Talking of statistics, median is actually an anagram of Medina. Hmm, interesting) the chances of you getting killed when you make that routine trip to your neighborhood souk is only slightly less than the chances of an UK resident getting killed by the MRSA superbug at his/her nearest NHS hospital. So, you can imagine how dangerous Iraq is!!

Now, the attention has turned to Iran (North Korea tried to attract attention many times but they cant get their rockets to fly higher than the Sivakasi rockets). I was wondering why Blair went to Palestine this week. He went there to call upon on the moderate Muslim states to form an alliance over Iran. I wonder why nobody has called this strategy 'The Blair Doctrine' (Blair Witch Project has been beaten to death already). Here is my take on this

The root cause lies in the bickering between 10 and 11 Downing Street (For the uninitiated, 11 is Gordon Brown's residence). Gordon Brown has been pestering Blair to step down just like an overenthusiastic 13 year old going 'Daddy, daddy,I want to drive your car' ....but Blair has been going 'Nahi beta, you are not ready'. So, irritated with his neighbor, Blair thought "Who do I hate most right now? Iran, isin't it? I will ask all of Iran's neighbors to gang up against Iran and cause trouble. Then, Gordon will have a bigger headache than mine to solve. 2 birds with 1 stone. He he he he he. I will have the last laugh before I step down". Blair is preaching the opposite of 'Love thy neighbor'. When have neighbors been solutions anyway? See Desperate Housewives, for example.

I wonder if Bush and Blair read 'Middle East' as 'Meddle East'...

White or Brown?

2006-12-20T13:52:00.000Z

Whats common to the Bush govt and Madras coffee?

PJ = Palestine Joke

2006-12-18T15:12:00.000Z

BBC says: Palestinian factions (Fatah and Hamas) 'agree deal'

GoGo sees: Feta and Humus on the same plate, with olives inbetween. How about that for starters?

PJ = Prophet Joke

2006-12-15T12:48:00.000Z

Q. Why did the Prophet avoid desi restaurants at lunch time?

A. 'cos the Prophet prefers 'Allah Carte'

Vain Rooney

2006-12-13T16:36:00.000Z

If I had to read an autobiography 'My story so far', I would like it to be inspiring and enlightening. If the author is 'Mr.Death-so-near', then maybe he has decades of wisdom to pass on. If the author is a 21 year old, cocky, short-tempered, millionaire kid with plenty of God given talent to kick ball, it makes me think what could possibly be in the book? What could this guy write when he can barely read? He bought his mansion because he read the nearby 'Admiral Rodney' pub as 'Admiral Rooney' & he liked the idea. Maybe he is going to reveal how happy he is to finally drink legally. Maybe this is all about finally going past those stressful teenage years. Maybe that broken ankle has finally healed?
Wayne, you are so vain

Kill Gillette Buyers

2006-12-12T14:27:00.000Z

I think I have figured out what Scotland Yard hasn't in the mysterious death of Alexandar Litvinenko. How did he get radioactive material in his body? Why are so many other people from bar staff to random people in Germany testing positive for polonium210?

Before ...............After

See, all that hair is missing. It must be the razor. And, not any ordinary razor. I declare the new Gillette Fusion gill(et)te!

The (radioactive) Fusion process*
- The first blade is ice-cold making the hair stand up
- The second one cuts the hair
- The third blade scares the hell out of the remaining hair
- The fourth blade gets angry that the hair is getting scared and decides to cut your skin
- The fifth blade inserts polonium-210 under your skin
- Finally the lubrastrip seals the skin making it look like a clean shave

All those people testing positive for small quantities probably just shaved their moustache or beard. This fella tried to tonsure - and he ended up Gillettening himself!

p.s: For the not so discerning reader, read the title again - Kill Gillette Buyers

*Borrowing a theme from the Blue Man Group show

Fiji Masters

2006-12-10T19:22:00.000Z

The military coup in Fiji, got me thinking about Vijay Singh (who is from Fiji, btw)
a) Why cant Vijay get Fiji renamed to Viji? Then he could say, "I'm Viji (sounds like) from Viji". Its either Vijay or these coups that make the news anyway. I think its only fair (unlike Vijay)
b) Why Vijay hasn't bought Fiji - at the very least half of those 800 islands? His earnings probably exceeds the GDP of Fiji. He can then be one of the Fiji Masters!

Pause-ible

2006-12-08T15:26:00.000Z

Those of you who know P know that P definitely doesn't stand for patience. Yesterday, P in a very stressed out, nabdu state of mind yells at me "You are impossible!".
I retorted "Not impossible. I'm possible. You gotto respect punctuation. You need to pause for the apostrophe and the space. I know your patience is razor thin, but you cannot skip punctuation........"
The stress was gone, Amrutanjan style :)

2006-12-07T21:43:00.000Z

Guess what I am trying to convey from the title
Clue: Cricket news

Humour

2006-12-07T15:18:00.000Z

Inspired by QQ's post, thought I would share a few Brit anecdotes

I had a meeting with a business partner firm and they had sent their driver (and company car, ofcourse) to Gatwick airport to pick me up. During the ride, I was trying to make conversation with the driver and asked him "So, how many people work in this office?". It's probably funnier the way the answer was delivered but you have to imagine the driver saying this in a slow Brit accent "If people aaask me that question, I uuusually say about half of them" :)

In my previous company, they had a system of formally training all new hires in a bootcamp program and throwing a dinner party for all the bootcamp graduates. At the end of the dinner party, anybody could come to the stage and share their thoughts. Most of the speeches were serious crap about how they enjoyed the bootcamp program and how fun the company is and blah blah blah. One Brit guy walked over the stage and says
"Ladies and gentlemen, may I ask you all to rise please?"
About 100 of us, including Senior Directors and VPs stand up
"Can I ask all of you to raise your glasses please?"
All of us lifted our wine glasses in air
"To the queen"
and he walks off the stage as if oblivious of the crowd!

This was during a 2 week guided tour in an ancient country. The group comprised of 3 Aussies, 3 Desis, 2 Brits and 1 Kiwi. The first thing the tour guide asked was "Are you all from the same country?". One of the Brits goes "We were" !!

On a cruise in the Thames, the guide points in the general direction of Downing Street and said "That's where our Prime Minister lives..." and after a 2 second pause ".. George W Bush"!!!!!!

Kan Go ROOng

2006-12-06T01:31:00.000Z

I remember Dravid saying once "We know its not possible to win a test match without getting 20 wickets". Well, the Ricky Ponting XI have burnt that Dravidian theory to ashes (duh! pun very much intended). 551/6 decl. in the first innings and you still lose! How is it possible? Did the English players take performance degrading drugs? Polonium-210? Or was it the potential military coup in *nearby* Fiji? It was just not Freddie that was (flint) off - it was a team effort to snatch a loss from the jaws of a draw. Warne's leg spin sent England in a tailspin. I wouldn't be suprised if the entire English cricket team follow the Trescothick way home and forfeit the Ashes - if this cannot cause stress, I dont know what else can! Freddie and his team dont have to go looking for the Grinch this Christmas. If something Kan Go Roong, it will - atleast for the English cricket team.

Mad..Madder...Maddy

2006-12-04T11:08:00.000Z

I thought I would share a few of Maddy's originals

Plastic Humour:

Maddy and I at a restaurant. Lunch done. So are 2 bottles of house wine. Waiter brings the bill and then I put my credit card on the table. As the waiter is taking the bill and the credit card away, Maddy says
"Is it safe to give him the credit card? Are you sure he is a secure server?"
I think it was the house wine speaking ....

Mr. Saarang:

This is part of the Mr.Saarang competition that happens during the IIT-M cultural festival - Saarang

Jury to Maddy "You are totally in love with girl, but she has a boyfriend. What will you tell the guy?"
Maddy (in Tamil) "Dei. Orru naal adjust panniko da"
Translation for the non-Tams "Dude. Please adjust for one day"

Witty, but not good enough to be invited to the girls hostel day :)

Small Chief

2006-12-02T11:48:00.000Z

Why is it good for the Indian cricket team to get diarrhoea?

Of Hope and Pope

2006-11-30T14:41:00.000Z

I hope the next time you are at the Picadilly Circus Itsu, you order soya sauce with less polonium (and not less sodium like I usually do)
I hope Gillette gives a generous gift hamper to Yousuf before his record-breaking feat makes him heavy headed
Pope didnt gave a ratz inger* to all those death threats and went without a bullet proof vest to Turkey. Bravo, bravo!

*Unofficial sources (read Bundar) tell me inger means ass in German

Timepass

2006-11-28T18:00:00.000Z

Heather Mills: Generation GAP
Heather Mills & McCartney: Generation gap

Big B: Kaun Banega Crorepati
SRK: Khan Banayega Crorepati *

James Bond's hit list: Craigslist **

Britney's DINK: Double Issues No Kevin!
and saving the best one for the last

Kevin Federline is Britney's latest Pop single!

* SRK is slated to be the new host of KBC
** Adaptation of Bundar's PJ

Lazy I

2006-11-27T21:55:00.000Z

I was completely fascinated when somebody told that my occasional squint eye actually had a medical term - lazy eye. Its as if an eye occasionally develops A I (a eye), and refuses to obey you! Technically, lazy eye is something else and the correct medical term for my occasional squint is Crossed Eye. In any case, it would be so handy if it actually extended to other body parts...unless you have Lazy Hands
Imagine you are watching cricket or NFL with utmost interest and your services are called for elsewhere, then "Honey, I would like to get up but I suddenly have a lazy leg" is such a perfect excuse. Maybe all those sadhus sitting cross legged have an extreme case of this syndrome and start meditating for lack of a better alternative.
Even better, lazy ears (crossed ears would make you feel like a bunny rabbit) is so much cooler than "selective hearing" and so much more convenient than the lazy leg excuse!
I am hoping this becomes an accepted medical condition! Then, I can be just me, the Lazy I. Keeping my fingers crossed...

Udder Nonsense

2006-11-26T19:44:00.000Z

I found this very amoosing sight in the English countryside recently. A couple of cows on a purpose-built bridge over the motorway making their way to the other pasture. This is really taking free range to ridiculous levels. Wonder what's the motivation for those cows? Were they thinking lets cross the bridge when it comes? Maybe, those cows think the grass is greener on the other side. Maybe those cows had a date in their dairies (yeah, not diaries).

Beatle battle

2006-11-23T01:01:00.000Z

Paul McCartney may have Penny Lane to his credit, but I have these punny lines to mine

What went wrong between Paul and Heather? They lost their pH balance
Who's tarnishing Heather's image? The rumour mills

I am just waiting to see the inevitable headline when the divorce is formal - Heather Milks McCartney!

Rhinos are dumb

2006-11-21T17:17:00.000Z

A white rhino was recently killed by UK troops in northern Kenya. Needless to say, the rhino was a threat to democracy and freedom.
Jokes apart, if an intruder breaks into your territory, then shoots you and claims he did it in self-defense, would you be happy if his claim was given legal backing? For one, you would be dead. So, your opinion doesnt matter but I dont think the rhino was too happy being shot by trespassers. The bottomline is that rhinos have no animal rights at all. I know for sure black bucks have animal rights - ask Salman Khan if you don't believe me.

If at all these rhinos wish to survive, I suggest a 3-horned strategy
a) Drop the sarus: History has proved that having sarus in your name (dino, tyranno, stego are just a few examples) is a sureshot road to extinction
b) Evolve: Develop thicker bullet-proof skin, although this is a very far shot. If rhinos were capable of evolution, they would have improved their vision by now. My grandma with cataract can see better than a rhino!
c) Multiply: Among those 200 surviving white rhinos, is it so hard to fine one really HORNy rhino???

If these rhinos are so dumb that they dont know how to blow their own horn, they probably deserve to be extinct.

Your opinions are welcome while I go explore my business venture, Rhinos R Us.

Trump in I-Banks

2006-11-20T12:28:00.000Z

I was just wondering what Trump's punch line would be if The Apprentice was set in investment banks

@Merrill
You are lynched

@Goldman
You are sacked

@Lehman
Leave man

Bill parcels Indy

2006-11-20T00:37:00.000Z

Want headlines for ind vs dal game?

Colts see stars in lone star state
Colts play like cowgirls
Colts quartered in(to) 4 quarters
Peyton, You were supposed to be manning
Colts run out of horsepower

I cant believe Indy lost to bloody Cowboys. Btw, who the f is T. Romo?

Scott-Ish Right!

2006-11-19T01:14:00.000Z

Today's blog is not about Mel Gibson in Braveheart fighting for Scotland's rights. The only thing Scottish about today's blog's title is the way Sean Connery would say 'is'. My philosophical brevity for today is that

Scott is right and I dont care if the rest of the world disagrees

If you don't have this in your bookmarks, you either don't have a sense of humour or you like being unjust to yourself

This message is brought to you by Gogo, and not approved by Scott Adams

PriestLee News

2006-11-17T00:54:00.000Z

The Geezt:
Zambian archbishop marries a Korean woman. Suddenly, realizes a whole new meaning for "Oh my God!". Other Catholics see it as a good alternative to the altar boys. "Balls to the celibacy rule" issue goes to Vatican city. Ratzinger thinks "Papa Pope? Not a bad idea! Is it too late? Hmm. Was it actually Virgin Marry?". But, then Vatican decides not to amen(d) any rules. Zambian archbishop starts new organization Married Priests Now (MPN)

I was able to conclude two salient things from this news
a) Zambia is a real country, not just an answer for Name-Place-Animal-Thing
b) There are dry cleaning stores in Zambia

I also happened to get a brief preview into the MPN Constitution

Da Vinci Code is our Bible
Soul is in Seoul - When you are in Korea, do the Koreans
Christmas carols will be sung in karaoke
About family values: I am part of my Kim & Kin
I decide Vat I Can do, not the Vatican

I will be happy to report further as more details of the constitution become available

Modesty? Aur Main? Kabbheee Nahi

2006-11-14T02:59:00.000Z

Quoting a colleague of mine...

Contrary to popular opinion, I do NOT know everything

:)

PJ Time

2006-11-13T16:12:00.000Z

Just heard it on Al Jeera, the food network channel in the Middle East

Guess how Saddam likes his eggs for breakfast?

p.s: madamjee - you are not allowed to guess :)

Kaun Banega Britneypati?

2006-11-12T19:06:00.000Z

I am very sad to announce the season finale of the popular celebrity reality show Kaun Banega Britneypati? How often to you find a crook, a backup dancer and an aspiring White rapper - all in one package? Contrary to the other popular & mindless TV show Who wants to be a millionaire?, the star player of this show, Kev-Fed is actually leaving behind 2 life lines (Sean & Jayden). I hope people appreciate Kev-Fed's performance under extreme pressure as the clock had been ticking for the 24 year host. (I actually thought Curb your Enthusiasm would you have been a more appropriate name for the show) You would think Kev-Fed is greedy and like to use the 50:50 option now, but under the terms & conditions of the show, Kev-Fed gets a paltry $2million and a Ferrari which is really like a 1:50 option. Shame on all you disgusting people who thought he would use the Phone a Friend or Poll the Audience option just to keep the show going on for more seasons. Its not all that disappointing really. There is still another $121 million in the bank. We might have a new reality show Kaun Kahega Papa Razi? or Who wants to be Fatherline?

Amidst all the suspense about the precise details of the season finale, please take a moment to update the superlatives in your vocabulary

Dumb: Dumber: Britney Spears
Smart: Smarter: Kevin Federline