Of Hope and Pope

• I hope the next time you are at the Picadilly Circus Itsu, you order soya sauce with less polonium (and not less sodium like I usually do)
• I hope Gillette gives a generous gift hamper to Yousuf before his record-breaking feat makes him heavy headed
• Pope didnt gave a ratz inger* to all those death threats and went without a bullet proof vest to Turkey. Bravo, bravo!
  

*Unofficial sources (read Bundar) tell me inger means ass in German

Timepass

Heather Mills: Generation GAP
Heather Mills & McCartney: Generation gap

Big B: Kaun Banega Crorepati
SRK: Khan Banayega Crorepati *

James Bond's hit list: Craigslist **

Britney's DINK: Double Issues No Kevin!
and saving the best one for the last

Kevin Federline is Britney's latest Pop single!

* SRK is slated to be the new host of KBC
** Adaptation of Bundar's PJ

Lazy I

I was completely fascinated when somebody told that my occasional squint eye actually had a medical term - lazy eye. Its as if an eye occasionally develops A I (a eye), and refuses to obey you! Technically, lazy eye is something else and the correct medical term for my occasional squint is Crossed Eye. In any case, it would be so handy if it actually extended to other body parts...unless you have Lazy Hands
Imagine you are watching cricket or NFL with utmost interest and your services are called for elsewhere, then "Honey, I would like to get up but I suddenly have a lazy leg" is such a perfect excuse. Maybe all those sadhus sitting cross legged have an extreme case of this syndrome and start meditating for lack of a better alternative.
Even better, lazy ears (crossed ears would make you feel like a bunny rabbit) is so much cooler than "selective hearing" and so much more convenient than the lazy leg excuse!
I am hoping this becomes an accepted medical condition! Then, I can be just me, the Lazy I. Keeping my fingers crossed...

Udder Nonsense

I found this very amoosing sight in the English countryside recently. A couple of cows on a purpose-built bridge over the motorway making their way to the other pasture. This is really taking free range to ridiculous levels. Wonder what's the motivation for those cows? Were they thinking lets cross the bridge when it comes? Maybe, those cows think the grass is greener on the other side. Maybe those cows had a date in their dairies (yeah, not diaries).

Beatle battle

Paul McCartney may have Penny Lane to his credit, but I have these punny lines to mine

• What went wrong between Paul and Heather? They lost their pH balance
• Who's tarnishing Heather's image? The rumour mills

I am just waiting to see the inevitable headline when the divorce is formal - Heather Milks McCartney!

Rhinos are dumb

A white rhino was recently killed by UK troops in northern Kenya. Needless to say, the rhino was a threat to democracy and freedom.
Jokes apart, if an intruder breaks into your territory, then shoots you and claims he did it in self-defense, would you be happy if his claim was given legal backing? For one, you would be dead. So, your opinion doesnt matter but I dont think the rhino was too happy being shot by trespassers. The bottomline is that rhinos have no animal rights at all. I know for sure black bucks have animal rights - ask Salman Khan if you don't believe me.

If at all these rhinos wish to survive, I suggest a 3-horned strategy
a) Drop the sarus: History has proved that having sarus in your name (dino, tyranno, stego are just a few examples) is a sureshot road to extinction
b) Evolve: Develop thicker bullet-proof skin, although this is a very far shot. If rhinos were capable of evolution, they would have improved their vision by now. My grandma with cataract can see better than a rhino!
c) Multiply: Among those 200 surviving white rhinos, is it so hard to fine one really HORNy rhino???

If these rhinos are so dumb that they dont know how to blow their own horn, they probably deserve to be extinct.

Your opinions are welcome while I go explore my business venture, Rhinos R Us.

Trump in I-Banks

I was just wondering what Trump's punch line would be if The Apprentice was set in investment banks

@Merrill
You are lynched

@Goldman
You are sacked

@Lehman
Leave man

Bill parcels Indy

Want headlines for ind vs dal game?

Colts see stars in lone star state
Colts play like cowgirls
Colts quartered in(to) 4 quarters
Peyton, You were supposed to be manning
Colts run out of horsepower

I cant believe Indy lost to bloody Cowboys. Btw, who the f is T. Romo?

Scott-Ish Right!

Today's blog is not about Mel Gibson in Braveheart fighting for Scotland's rights. The only thing Scottish about today's blog's title is the way Sean Connery would say 'is'. My philosophical brevity for today is that

Scott is right and I dont care if the rest of the world disagrees

If you don't have this in your bookmarks, you either don't have a sense of humour or you like being unjust to yourself

This message is brought to you by Gogo, and not approved by Scott Adams

PriestLee News

The Geezt:
Zambian archbishop marries a Korean woman. Suddenly, realizes a whole new meaning for "Oh my God!". Other Catholics see it as a good alternative to the altar boys. "Balls to the celibacy rule" issue goes to Vatican city. Ratzinger thinks "Papa Pope? Not a bad idea! Is it too late? Hmm. Was it actually Virgin Marry?". But, then Vatican decides not to amen(d) any rules. Zambian archbishop starts new organization Married Priests Now (MPN)

I was able to conclude two salient things from this news
a) Zambia is a real country, not just an answer for Name-Place-Animal-Thing
b) There are dry cleaning stores in Zambia

I also happened to get a brief preview into the MPN Constitution

• Da Vinci Code is our Bible
• Soul is in Seoul - When you are in Korea, do the Koreans
• Christmas carols will be sung in karaoke
• About family values: I am part of my Kim & Kin
• I decide Vat I Can do, not the Vatican

I will be happy to report further as more details of the constitution become available

Modesty? Aur Main? Kabbheee Nahi

Quoting a colleague of mine...

Contrary to popular opinion, I do NOT know everything

:)

PJ Time

Just heard it on Al Jeera, the food network channel in the Middle East

Guess how Saddam likes his eggs for breakfast?

p.s: madamjee - you are not allowed to guess :)

Kaun Banega Britneypati?

I am very sad to announce the season finale of the popular celebrity reality show Kaun Banega Britneypati? How often to you find a crook, a backup dancer and an aspiring White rapper - all in one package? Contrary to the other popular & mindless TV show Who wants to be a millionaire?, the star player of this show, Kev-Fed is actually leaving behind 2 life lines (Sean & Jayden). I hope people appreciate Kev-Fed's performance under extreme pressure as the clock had been ticking for the 24 year host. (I actually thought Curb your Enthusiasm would you have been a more appropriate name for the show) You would think Kev-Fed is greedy and like to use the 50:50 option now, but under the terms & conditions of the show, Kev-Fed gets a paltry $2million and a Ferrari which is really like a 1:50 option. Shame on all you disgusting people who thought he would use the Phone a Friend or Poll the Audience option just to keep the show going on for more seasons. Its not all that disappointing really. There is still another $121 million in the bank. We might have a new reality show Kaun Kahega Papa Razi? or Who wants to be Fatherline?

Amidst all the suspense about the precise details of the season finale, please take a moment to update the superlatives in your vocabulary

Dumb: Dumber: Britney Spears
Smart: Smarter: Kevin Federline

Prince (of) Wails for the Albatross

Here are some of the reactions to Prince Charles's "Save the Albatross" appeal to the world.

(Angry) Camilla: "I can take care of myself!"

Bush: "Can we add Republicans to the list?"

Kerry: "Sorry. I cant save my own ass"

Pope: "I would if you were AlbaCross"

Albatrosses: "Liar! You didnt even save Di"

Taking the Mickey out of Donald

SEINFELD vs RUMSFELD

Stand-up comedian Can barely stand-up

Hangs out with bald George Hangs out with bad George

Wit ... defined Wilt ... defined

Jerry Geriatric

Uses vintage cars Uses vintage tanks

(Porshe)911 drives him crazy 9/11 drove him crazy

Mets fan Hasn't met a fan

Hates Newman Hated old man

p.s: 'Taking the Mickey out of' is a Brit phrase which basically means 'Making fun of'

Veggie Tuna!

True story at a pub in England where they had tuna sandwich marked as a veggie item on the menu

Me: "Since when did Tuna become veggie?"

Barman: "There are 2 types of vegetarians - those you eat dairy products and those who dont. You know what I mean?"

Me: "What sort of cow do you milk to get tuna?"

Barman: "Thats not what I meant, but if there was a cow like that you could make a lot of money"

Saddann Death

Why is there a second trial for Saddam? He already got a death sentence. Are they going to give him another death sentence now? If they have to honor both sentences and Circuit is the executioner, I can imagine him saying "Uth be! Tujhe phir se maarne ka hai". But, how can they honor both sentences? Hang him with 2 nooses? Or maybe the second sentence is going to be death after death. I wonder if thats what you call a death row.

PJ Time

1. Why don't the Clintons move back to Arkansas?

2. How does Guy Ritchie order a virgin drink?

The Red Continent

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! Africa, the Dark Continent, is turning into a Red Continent. This is not due to American Express RED or any of the other RED initiatives. This is not some 'Bangalore to Bengaluru' type transformation, either. Its not because of global warming causing red hot temperatures, either. If you want to argue with me that Red is a dark color too, then trust me - its going to get a few shades lighter over time. I am no Nostradamus, but if you flip Africa in the Atlas 50 years from now, this is what you are going to see
Yes, people. China is taking over Africa! After making everything from needles to dining tables on the Wal-mart retail aisles, China now wants to make continents! China is massively expanding business with Africa and Chinese colonialism is just around the corner. Didnt British colonialism in India start with trade? And, then Mumbai became Bombay, Bengaluru became Bangalore, etc.

Watch out people! The days of Swahi Lee being a person & a language are not very far away. Cape Town will be renamed to China Town. Nairobi will be Nailobi, Darfur will be Dalfool, Serengeti to Selengeti - you get the idea but the biggest change of them all - Africa to AFLICA!! There will be no need for Fairtrade coffee any more as Aflicans would have given up coffee for tea and coffee will be only slightly more important than human waste in the average Aflican's mind. Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon moves will be inherent to all NBA players making terms such as Air Jordan move to fine print of basketball history. Of course you cannot avoid the arrival of Wei Obasanjo, Dwayne Hsing, Shaquille Chui, etc. Not all Hsings and Chuis on business trips will actually know they sprouted Dwaynes and Shaquilles. So, more and more Chinese will die of AIDS and actually serve as a population control mechanism. Human rights will be left behind. The world will be what the Chinese want it to be.

Brace yourself for the new Karliyug! Bye now, its time for my Mandarin classes ...

Rawalpindi Express Derailed

Did anyone read the full text of the ban imposed by PCB on The Rawalpindi Express? Its a long article and if at all you missed the most important piece - the id of Shoaib Akhtar's urine sample was 189638. The reasons for a 2 year ban are interesting "He [Shoaib] drinks alcohol, has an active sex life and he's been part of anti-doping awareness programmes." And, why only 1 year for Mohammad Asif for the same offence? "We decided to ban him for a year because his English is not that good, he comes from a remote village where he would not have been educated on the dangers of drugs in sport and so he doesn't understand". The message is not even subtle, its crystal clear! Shoaib gets 2 years because the board is jealous he has an active sex life and Asif gets 1 year so that he can learn English.

In the full text, did you look at the number of dietary supplements Shoaib takes
1. BLAZE XTREME (a fat burning supplement): Ramesh Powar could use quite a few of these
2. SIZE ON (cell volumizer): Mohamamed Kaif should definitely consider these, atleast in an injection form around his cheek bones
3. T-Bomb II (Its like Testosterone on Testosterone): Parthiv Patel definitely needs this !!
4. NITRON5 (boosts strength, muscle pumps and blood flow): Javagal Srinath used to exhaust all the curd rice energy from dinner in the very first over. He could have definitely used these

and not to mention the "off the cuff" supplements and herbal medicines he was taking based on general wisdom so wide spread in Rawalpindi. General wisdom, lol! (Or is it General as in General Pervez Musharaff?)

Is the 2 year ban fair? If its 1 day (1 hour) for every time he chucked the ball, its highly unfair (totally fair). If its for performance enhancing drugs, then I am sure you cannot counter Malaysia's pee testing ex-pee-rtise! Just to play devil's advocate, I would like to extend the Australian Muslim cleric's general wisdom: If you find performance enhancing drugs in a urine sample, is it the urine's fault or the person who provided the sample? I think its the urine's fault. Personally, I would get all charged up and strange chemical reactions happen inside my body when I take long flights, say for example, from Pakistan to Malaysia. So, I wouldn't necessarily blame the urine either. If you have to ban anything/anyone at all, ban Shoaib's samples please.

Ghost Post

Dear All,
Since I suffer from triskaidekaphobia I will not be posting my 13th post. I apologize for any inconvenience and/or disappointment caused to any body due to this phobia
GoGo

I love politics!

I remember seeing 'Chaudhivi ka Chand' for the first (and only time, thank goodness) time on TV because that was part of an all night election coverage anchored by Prannoy Roy. This was more than 15 years ago. I simply love following politics and had a ball when Kerry and Bush were trading punches 2 years ago. I was so mad that John Kerry lost, but at the same time I loved the way Republicans so successfully branded Kerry as an indecisive flipper! The run-up to the next US Presidential elections is just about warming up and already we have plenty of action!

Kerry, speaking to a group of California university students on Monday, said: "You know, education, if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well." So far so good. Then he thought he can be funny. He added "If you don't you get stuck in Iraq". Ha ha ha!

Now, the Republicans and Bush are all over Kerry asking him to apologize as his comments were insulting to the troops.

I think Kerry should apologize. Kerry, if you are reading my blog, this is what you should have said "You know, education, if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you dont, you become the president of the United States"

I also suggest that the Republicans should be relentless until Kerry apologizes. If Kerry doesnt budge, then you should take a cue from Gabbar and create a fake E.Coli alert for all 57 varieties of Heinz sauces. They could even break Heinz ketchup bottles and say Naach Theresa Naach but that would become too close to Bollywood style.

I am sure Kerry realizes his faux pas. As they say, Heinz sight is 20/20 :-)

p.s: Answer to yesterday's Q was tuber-collosus