This is a joke!!

Lillywhites has a sale!!

50 cent or 50 billion?

I cant believe this is my 50th blog! So, in honor of fidy and the filthy...
If Fidy became President of USA, he would be the Commanda-in-Chief
If Paris Hilton became President though, she would be the Commando-in-Chief

Yeh Ka Hai?

What's an auto-rickshaw with 4 wheels?
Did you guess Maruti 800? Sorry, think again
Did you say Smart Car? No, That's a real car

Let me rephrase,
What looks like a car, sounds like a car but its too small to be called a car and still costs you upto £10000?
Its Ford KA!!

KA .. stopping short of a Kar

007 B.C.

Christian conspiracy theories have always fascinated me and there was an interesting TV show on Christmas day - "The Secret Family of Jesus - The conspiracy theory that Dan Brown and others missed". A part of the thoery is that Jesus had an elder brother - James, the Just. I couldn't help myself imagining him introducing himself as "Hi. I'm James. Just James" - lol!
Gogo, the Blogger

If Santa was Banta

On this Christmas day, I was wondering if the truth has been misrepresented for centuries thanks to a typo. What if Santa was actually Banta? I find Santa Claus strikingly similar to Guru Nanak, and I think my Banta theory holds more water than St. Nicholas. If the Banta theory had lived from day 1, then we would be hearing Jingle balle balle!*

* Santa CLAUSE: The comments mean no disrespect to any religion. Peace and Latte to A(ll)men

Meddle East

First, they coined the term 'Axis of Evil' - Iraq, Iran and North Korea. Obviously, whoever coined this term had no idea of georgraphy or geometry because these 3 countries don't form a straight line. They tackled Iraq and now there are more eruptions on a daily basis than all active volcanoes combined. If you are an "average" Iraqi, (a "mean" Iraqi. Talking of statistics, median is actually an anagram of Medina. Hmm, interesting) the chances of you getting killed when you make that routine trip to your neighborhood souk is only slightly less than the chances of an UK resident getting killed by the MRSA superbug at his/her nearest NHS hospital. So, you can imagine how dangerous Iraq is!!

Now, the attention has turned to Iran (North Korea tried to attract attention many times but they cant get their rockets to fly higher than the Sivakasi rockets). I was wondering why Blair went to Palestine this week. He went there to call upon on the moderate Muslim states to form an alliance over Iran. I wonder why nobody has called this strategy 'The Blair Doctrine' (Blair Witch Project has been beaten to death already). Here is my take on this

The root cause lies in the bickering between 10 and 11 Downing Street (For the uninitiated, 11 is Gordon Brown's residence). Gordon Brown has been pestering Blair to step down just like an overenthusiastic 13 year old going 'Daddy, daddy,I want to drive your car' ....but Blair has been going 'Nahi beta, you are not ready'. So, irritated with his neighbor, Blair thought "Who do I hate most right now? Iran, isin't it? I will ask all of Iran's neighbors to gang up against Iran and cause trouble. Then, Gordon will have a bigger headache than mine to solve. 2 birds with 1 stone. He he he he he. I will have the last laugh before I step down". Blair is preaching the opposite of 'Love thy neighbor'. When have neighbors been solutions anyway? See Desperate Housewives, for example.

I wonder if Bush and Blair read 'Middle East' as 'Meddle East'...

White or Brown?

Whats common to the Bush govt and Madras coffee?

PJ = Palestine Joke

BBC says: Palestinian factions (Fatah and Hamas) 'agree deal'

GoGo sees: Feta and Humus on the same plate, with olives inbetween. How about that for starters?

PJ = Prophet Joke

Q. Why did the Prophet avoid desi restaurants at lunch time?

A. 'cos the Prophet prefers 'Allah Carte'

Vain Rooney

If I had to read an autobiography 'My story so far', I would like it to be inspiring and enlightening. If the author is 'Mr.Death-so-near', then maybe he has decades of wisdom to pass on. If the author is a 21 year old, cocky, short-tempered, millionaire kid with plenty of God given talent to kick ball, it makes me think what could possibly be in the book? What could this guy write when he can barely read? He bought his mansion because he read the nearby 'Admiral Rodney' pub as 'Admiral Rooney' & he liked the idea. Maybe he is going to reveal how happy he is to finally drink legally. Maybe this is all about finally going past those stressful teenage years. Maybe that broken ankle has finally healed?
Wayne, you are so vain

Kill Gillette Buyers

I think I have figured out what Scotland Yard hasn't in the mysterious death of Alexandar Litvinenko. How did he get radioactive material in his body? Why are so many other people from bar staff to random people in Germany testing positive for polonium210?









Before ...............After

See, all that hair is missing. It must be the razor. And, not any ordinary razor. I declare the new Gillette Fusion gill(et)te!








The (radioactive) Fusion process*
- The first blade is ice-cold making the hair stand up
- The second one cuts the hair
- The third blade scares the hell out of the remaining hair
- The fourth blade gets angry that the hair is getting scared and decides to cut your skin
- The fifth blade inserts polonium-210 under your skin
- Finally the lubrastrip seals the skin making it look like a clean shave

All those people testing positive for small quantities probably just shaved their moustache or beard. This fella tried to tonsure - and he ended up Gillettening himself!

p.s: For the not so discerning reader, read the title again - Kill Gillette Buyers

*Borrowing a theme from the Blue Man Group show

Fiji Masters

The military coup in Fiji, got me thinking about Vijay Singh (who is from Fiji, btw)
a) Why cant Vijay get Fiji renamed to Viji? Then he could say, "I'm Viji (sounds like) from Viji". Its either Vijay or these coups that make the news anyway. I think its only fair (unlike Vijay)
b) Why Vijay hasn't bought Fiji - at the very least half of those 800 islands? His earnings probably exceeds the GDP of Fiji. He can then be one of the Fiji Masters!

Pause-ible

Those of you who know P know that P definitely doesn't stand for patience. Yesterday, P in a very stressed out, nabdu state of mind yells at me "You are impossible!".
I retorted "Not impossible. I'm possible. You gotto respect punctuation. You need to pause for the apostrophe and the space. I know your patience is razor thin, but you cannot skip punctuation........"
The stress was gone, Amrutanjan style :)

aD

Guess what I am trying to convey from the title
Clue: Cricket news

Humour

Inspired by QQ's post, thought I would share a few Brit anecdotes

I had a meeting with a business partner firm and they had sent their driver (and company car, ofcourse) to Gatwick airport to pick me up. During the ride, I was trying to make conversation with the driver and asked him "So, how many people work in this office?". It's probably funnier the way the answer was delivered but you have to imagine the driver saying this in a slow Brit accent "If people aaask me that question, I uuusually say about half of them" :)

In my previous company, they had a system of formally training all new hires in a bootcamp program and throwing a dinner party for all the bootcamp graduates. At the end of the dinner party, anybody could come to the stage and share their thoughts. Most of the speeches were serious crap about how they enjoyed the bootcamp program and how fun the company is and blah blah blah. One Brit guy walked over the stage and says
"Ladies and gentlemen, may I ask you all to rise please?"
About 100 of us, including Senior Directors and VPs stand up
"Can I ask all of you to raise your glasses please?"
All of us lifted our wine glasses in air
"To the queen"
and he walks off the stage as if oblivious of the crowd!

This was during a 2 week guided tour in an ancient country. The group comprised of 3 Aussies, 3 Desis, 2 Brits and 1 Kiwi. The first thing the tour guide asked was "Are you all from the same country?". One of the Brits goes "We were" !!

On a cruise in the Thames, the guide points in the general direction of Downing Street and said "That's where our Prime Minister lives..." and after a 2 second pause ".. George W Bush"!!!!!!

Kan Go ROOng

I remember Dravid saying once "We know its not possible to win a test match without getting 20 wickets". Well, the Ricky Ponting XI have burnt that Dravidian theory to ashes (duh! pun very much intended). 551/6 decl. in the first innings and you still lose! How is it possible? Did the English players take performance degrading drugs? Polonium-210? Or was it the potential military coup in *nearby* Fiji? It was just not Freddie that was (flint) off - it was a team effort to snatch a loss from the jaws of a draw. Warne's leg spin sent England in a tailspin. I wouldn't be suprised if the entire English cricket team follow the Trescothick way home and forfeit the Ashes - if this cannot cause stress, I dont know what else can! Freddie and his team dont have to go looking for the Grinch this Christmas. If something Kan Go Roong, it will - atleast for the English cricket team.

Mad..Madder...Maddy

I thought I would share a few of Maddy's originals

Plastic Humour:

Maddy and I at a restaurant. Lunch done. So are 2 bottles of house wine. Waiter brings the bill and then I put my credit card on the table. As the waiter is taking the bill and the credit card away, Maddy says
"Is it safe to give him the credit card? Are you sure he is a secure server?"
I think it was the house wine speaking ....

Mr. Saarang:

This is part of the Mr.Saarang competition that happens during the IIT-M cultural festival - Saarang

Jury to Maddy "You are totally in love with girl, but she has a boyfriend. What will you tell the guy?"
Maddy (in Tamil) "Dei. Orru naal adjust panniko da"
Translation for the non-Tams "Dude. Please adjust for one day"

Witty, but not good enough to be invited to the girls hostel day :)

Small Chief

Why is it good for the Indian cricket team to get diarrhoea?